"Captain Kirk Meets Buffy the Vampire Slayer"



by Eric J.
(Eric77J@excite.com)




Space...the Final Frontier. These are the Voyages of the Starship Enterprise. Its five year mission will soon involve a Chosen One. She alone will stand against the vampires, the demons and the forces of darkness. She is the Slayer.
"He's dead, Jim," Bones said, as he looked at the vampire in sickbay, who was held down with metal restraints. Bones frowned as a stream of expletives came from the vampire's true face.

"Let me up, damn you," the vampire said.

"Or he's undead, Jim. No heartbeat. Cold as a corpse. I don't know how he can move and talk. I don't know why this creature which used to be Ensign Smithens doesn't lie still as a corpse..."

The vampire looked at Nurse Chappel. "Honey, help a thirsty man."

"....and quiet as a corpse."

"Captain," said Spock, "the only planet we visited in the past month is Jupterra. In the two weeks since, we have seen three such cases of crew members appearing in altered form as creatures hungry for blood. I ran a scan at 0600 which detected over 200 moving humanoids without heartbeats on Jupterra. It is logical to conclude that Jupterra is the origin."

"Jupterra?" asked Kirk. "Jupterra was beautiful. Kimmy was beautiful. There are 5 billion people on Jupterra. I won't let these creatures take it over," said Kirk.

"Sweetheart, I wanna lick your neck. You'll love it," said the vampire.

"If I have to blast every one of them with my phaser."

"Captain, the planet is at the development level of Earth 300 years ago. To 'blast' every walking humanoid on the planet who lacks a heartbeat would violate the Prime Directive. We may not let the inhabitants of this low-technology world see our phasers."

"Alternatives Spock. Give me alternatives."

"There is a theory that vampires once existed on Earth. According to the book, 'Vampire Index' by Rupert Giles, they were concentrated in a small town in Southern California around the turn of the 21st century. Fortunately for the town, it enjoyed the protection of a Vampire Slayer."

"His name, Spock," said Kirk.

"Her name was 'Buffy.'"

Later, Kirk and Spock spoke on the Bridge.

"The first thing I care about is my crew. How do we know there aren't more of these creatures here? Which member of my crew will next become a vampire?"

"A scan of this ship shows Ensign Smithens as the last moving crewman without a heartbeat. Johnson was disintegrated by a phaser blast from Security and Katz turned to dust while looking out a window as we approached a star. As long as Ensign Smithens is in sickbay under restraint, the threat to the ship is contained."

"Then let's save Jupterra. Tell me more about the Slayer."

"According to 'Vampire Index Volume 3' by Rupert Giles, Buffy was the greatest Vampire Slayer ever. Like all Slayers she had super-human strength and agility. But Giles writes in Volume 3 that it was the help of her friends Willow and Xander which allowed her to succeed beyond the others."

"Then we'll need all three of them. Mr. Sulu, we require the Slingshot Effect. Set course for Earth at the turn of the 21st century."

"Aye, Captain."

"Spock, is there any chance that their seeing the future will alter it?"

"There is always such a chance. However, Buffy, Willow and Xander have witnessed far stranger things than you."

"Or you. Mr. Sulu, engage."

The Enterprise circled the star and used its pull to propel itself faster than the speed of light. The Enterprise often exceeded the speed of light by warping space around it, but this was different. This was moving through space so fast as to move through time. Back 300 years. Back to Earth and an orbit above California.

The Enterprise beamed up Buffy, Xander and Willow to the Transporter Room. Their energy fields were re-directed, and they materialized on the Bridge.

"Uh oh Buffy, a demon," said Xander, looking at Spock.

"It's all right Xander, I'm not getting a bring-Hell-to-Earth-and-Earth-to-Hell vibe from him."

Willow said, "This doesn't look like Sunnydale. Unless there's a part of Sunnydale with a lot of medal surfaces and stars shooting by."

"Actually, me and Cordelia used to park...sorry, Will," said Xander.

"Where are we?," the three asked together.

"Welcome to the Enterprise," said Kirk to Buffy. "What a lovely lady you are, I never imagined."

Willow looked down.

"They are both lovely ladies," Spock corrected his Captain.

"You guys, quit the flattery. Where are we?," said Buffy.

"You are on a starship," said Kirk. "We are in orbit around Earth. We have brought you here because of your unique...talent."

"You guys are aliens? You're going to dissect us?," asked Xander.

"We're astronauts," said Kirk. "We've brought you here because there is a planet with over 200 vampires."

"Tell me about it," said Buffy, "that's what these are for," she said and pulled out a stake.

"Take it easy," said Kirk. "There are no vampires on the Bridge. This planet is Jupterra. Thousands of light years away, and 300 years in the future."

"And you're from Jupterra?," asked Buffy.

"I'm from Iowa," said Kirk.

"We discovered three vampires on the Enterprise," Kirk continued, "They attacked crew members, tried to suck their blood. Only one is left on the ship."

"Can you show us how you slay a vampire?," asked Spock.

"This vampire, where is he?," asked Buffy.

They proceeded to sickbay. At Kirk's instructions, the vampire was freed from the metal restraints.

"Yum, tasty," he said, looking at Buffy with his true face.

The vampire tried to grab Buffy and she ducked. Buffy punched the vampire and the vampire smiled. Buffy hit him harder and he went crashing into a shelf of test tubes, which shattered. The vampire growled. He hit Buffy and she fell. She spun her leg around and the vampire fell, too. Buffy staked him and he turned to dust.

"Damn it, Jim, this is sickbay," said Bones. "I'm a doctor, not a boxing referee."

"Bones, we'll have Maintenance clean up," said Kirk.

The Enterprise proceeded to Jupterra in the 23rd Century.

Buffy, Willow, and Xander, were given Communicators. Lots of replicated stakes. And clothing like they wear on Jupterra.

The Enterprise used its scanners to find moving creatures without heartbeats, and told Buffy, Willow and Xander how to get there, or beamed them nearby in a desolate area.

One night on the planet, Buffy said, "I wish there were less gravity on Jupterra."

"I wish there were hardly any," said Xander. "Then I could jump up 20 feet."

"Well, I can still do that," said Buffy.

"But we have oxygen. Not many planets have this much oxygen. Oxygen is good," said Willow.

"Oxygen is definitely good," said Buffy. "And got to love Jupterran clothes."

"You look pretty," said Willow.

"Thanks, Will, you, too."

Xander said, "I'd rather dress like they do on the Enterprise. I wanted wear one of those yellow shirts, but no."

"Captain Kirk looks snuggly in that shirt," said Buffy.

"Kirk? What about Spock?," asked Willow.

Then Willow's Communicator beeped and Spock told her of a nearby bar where the scanners detected moving humanoids without heartbeats.

Buffy checked her stakes and soon there was fighting. A snarling vampire. And vampire dust.

When the work was done and Buffy had slayed the last vampire on Jupterra, Buffy, Willow and Xander were brought to the Bridge and congratulated.

"Well, now that we're done with Jupterra you can take us back to Earth," said Buffy. "Unless you want me to patrol the ship at night."

"Buffy, there is no NIGHT in space," said Willow.

Kirk said, "Time-travel takes a lot out of the ship. The Enterprise needs repairs. But we'll get you home within 48 hours."

Spock said, "You will be brought back to nearly the time that you left. You must not tell anyone of what you witnessed."

"I've kept quiet about things I've seen before," said Xander, thinking of the zombies he battled alone.

"We all have. It's a Slayer thing," added Buffy, thinking of her silence after banishing Angel.

"And a Slayerette thing. I mean I tell what happened to my fellow Slayerettes, but would I tell Harmony? No way," said Willow.

Janice Rand entered the bridge, and handed Kirk something to sign.

Xander looked at Janice's blonde beehive hairdo. "Whoa, check that out," he thought. "She would look great in my 1957 Chevrolet convertible from Uncle Rory. A girl who looks like that should come with a 1957 Chevrolet convertible. What am I saying? Respect, Xander. Be respectful."

She winked at him.

"Oh-my-god oh-my-god, did she really just do that? Does outer space make people wink?"

Xander followed her out the Bridge doors and they rode the elevator down.

"If only every girl wore a dress that short," he thought.

"How do you like the Enterprise?," Janice asked.

"It's so cool. I got a new car. A shiny new remodeled car. But this...wow!"

"You're so cute."

"You think? This is my floor, do you want to...you could see my room, if you haven't seen the guest rooms."

They sat and talked in the guest quarters for an hour.

Xander told her he liked Willow but she was with Oz and he liked Buffy but she was with Angel, on-and-off.

Janice told Xander she wished the Captain would talk to her, and that it was wonderful to have a man paying attention and actually talking to her instead of just glancing at her.

Then Xander said, "That dress. You look so great in that red dress. I mean, you would look great without the red dress...you just look great."

"Do you want to take off my dress, Xander?"

Xander said, "This isn't one of those tricky space-dresses, because that would be really hard for me. I mean, I don't have much experience with Earth dresses."

Janice said, "The zipper is in the back."

Xander proceeded.




Meanwhile, on the Bridge, Spock said to Willow, "I have read that you are interested in ancient texts. I would like to discuss with you ancient Vulcan texts."

"I've dabbled in an ancient text or two. I'm research-girl. And dabbler-girl. No, I prefer research-girl."

They sat and talked in Spock's quarters. Then Willow stood up and Spock did, too.

Willow said, "You're so gorgeous, Spock, really you are, I mean out-of-this world gorgeous, which you are, but back on Earth I've got a boyfriend named Oz."

Spock was much taller than Willow. He looked down into her eyes, and said, "To deny yourself, because of something which has not existed for 300 years, is not logical."

"Well then Mister, you're going to have to lean over and kiss me, because I can't jump up. I could but I'd bump my mouth and I want this to be romantic because I feel romantic." Spock was gorgeous.

They kissed and touched.

Willow asked, "Is passion logical?," and started to unbutton her shirt.

Spock raised an eyebrow and then pulled off his shirt.




Meanwhile, Captain Kirk led Buffy to his quarters.

Buffy asked, "Do I seem primitive to you, because I don't understand all this space-stuff?"

"That's not what I see when I look at you. I see a lovely young lady."

Captain Kirk walked over to her and gave Buffy a short kiss.

"Your lips are so warm," exclaimed Buffy.

"Well yes," said Kirk.

"Why did I say that?," thought Buffy. "Oh yeah, because his lips are warmer than Angel's."

Buffy asked, "Do you...really like me?"

"You slay me," said Kirk.

"I don't know if I'm ready for doing this with another man."

"It's been 300 years for you. Trust me, you're ready," Kirk grinned.

"It's hard for me to trust people because...," she thought of the betrayals. Angel turning into Angelus. Giles making her helpless.

Then Buffy looked at Kirk's face. She noticed his pointed sideburns. She dug them. And his grin.

Captain Kirk held her face with both his hands and kissed her again.

Much later, Buffy stood and smiled.

Captain Kirk sat on the edge of his bed, pulling his boots back on.

THE END

Copyright 1999 Eric J. No distribution without permission. For permission to distribute, contact Eric77J@excite.com